今年早些时候，我们采访了五个成年子女组成的小组，他们最近帮助年迈的父母搬进了一个退休社区。我们想听听他们对所有事情的看法，从促使他们谈论与父母同住的原因，到搬进新家那天的感受。我们希望在帮助年迈的亲人度过人生下一阶段的过程中，为他人提供有价值的见解，并提醒你，你并不孤单。
免责声明:在接受采访的五人中，只有一人的父母目前住在查特维尔社区。为了尊重他们的隐私，他们的名字都改了。以下是他们的看法。
Participants:
Beth, 48, Father Aged 72
Andrew, 47, Mother Aged 75
Farah, 32, Mother Aged 78
Lydia, 64, Father Aged 91
Alexandra, 55, Father Aged 85
你的父母为什么选择退休生活?你参与了这个决定吗?
Beth: “My father needed to live somewhere safe, where someone was always around if he needed help. He didn’t like feeling alone. That, plus the upkeep of his house was becoming difficult.”
Farah: “It was tough bringing up the topic with mom that the time was right to consider a move. She wasn’t receptive to the process in the beginning. She lived on her own and she wasn’t very active anymore, so it was a team effort with my brothers to help her realize she needed a change for her own benefit.”
Lydia: “Safety was the number one reason for my dad moving. He had a bad fall down the stairs, and I had to say to him, “Dad, are we going to wait for another fall, or are we going to look into a retirement home together?” It was an emotional realization for him. I had to be clear about my fear of him living alone and the risk of another fall—we had to find somewhere accessible and good for his mobility.”
当你的父母决定搬家时，最重要的考虑因素是什么?
Beth: “My father felt lonely living on his own, but he still had a lot of friends in his area, so the location of the retirement home was important so he could still visit with them and vice versa.”
Andrew: “Location was the biggest factor for us, finding mom something nearby, and also finding a home that had the level of care and service she needed. We also had to find a retirement home that could accommodate her pet.”
What approach did you take to help your parent find the right retirement community?
Lydia: “When I realized I couldn’t move my dad in with me, I set up visits with three retirement homes and found one very home-like. It was important to me that the community exuded a sense of friendless and warmth, because I knew the decision was hard for my dad.”
Alexandra: “There was a lot of footwork involved in finding the right home. I had gut reactions when walking into different homes. I’d ask myself, is the carpeting nice? Are there fresh flowers? Does the home look well-maintained? Does it smell nice?”
Beth: “I can honestly say I visited almost every retirement home in Mississauga, took the time to speak with staff and residents, and narrowed down the number of homes to show dad based on those interactions and how I felt when I first walked through the door.”
Andrew: “Before making our decision, mom and I visited different retirement communities and sampled a lunch or dinner, and got to know some of the other residents in the process. She also tried out a few of the activities to get a feel for the place.”
How did you know you’d found the best home for your parent?
Farah: “My mom already had friends at a particular retirement community, so she chose that one. My brothers and I did check it out first, though; we popped in now and then without an appointment to see what the feel was, what was going on, how everyone reacted when they weren’t prepared for a guest. We felt confident after those visits.”
Lydia: “We knew we found the right home when we walked in and saw a group of residents chatting and laughing, and another group playing games. It seemed like a social place and we liked seeing people in the main common area.”
How did you feel on the day you moved your parent into their new home?
Beth: “It was hard, because my dad didn’t want to leave the family home. I thought—am I moving him into somewhere he’s going to hate every day? I really questioned whether I made the right decision, but today he’s happy, he’s experiencing things he’s never experienced before, and I can’t thank staff enough for taking good care of my dad.”
Farah: “It was a lot easier to say goodbye after we’d moved her in than we thought, because she already had so many friends there. She wasn’t as nervous.”
Alexandra: “Move-in day was hard for me. I was worried leaving my dad, it was heartbreaking not knowing if he’d adjust well. I knew he’d rather live with me or by himself, but he couldn’t take care of such a large home anymore, he was going to hurt himself.”
Lydia: “My father always thought he’d move in with one of his kids, but our homes aren’t conducive to his condition, and many of us are still working and have young children, so it wasn’t going to happen. I’m glad I stuck to my instincts on encouraging him to move in—he just needed reassurance that it’s not a reflection on how much he’s loved, it’s what he needs to be safe.”
你的父母是如何过渡到住在养老院的?
Andrew: “Mom is taking advantage of the activities offered and provided transportation to appointments and the mall. We still have some things to work out to make life easier for her, but we and the staff are trying to address those as much as we can.”
Beth: “Pretty well, I thought it would’ve been harder actually. I was surprised to see my dad participating in activities. Considering he didn’t really want to move in, but figured he had to, it was reassuring to see him fitting in. He can still feel reluctant to participate sometimes, but I see his confidence growing as he realizes he can now do things he wasn’t able to do while living by himself.”
Farah: “My brothers and I continue to visit my mom once a week. Schedules can be tough, but I think that has helped her transition. Luckily, she has residents at the home who also speak Arabic, so that makes her more comfortable. Hearing her talk about the activities and social aspect of the home does give us peace of mind, though.”
Lydia: “The transition is better than expected. My dad doesn’t read, write or speak English well, yet everyone is helping him and he’s established a routine. Hearing other residents address him by name so quickly has given us a lot of comfort. I remind him, ‘Dad, nothing has really changed when you think about it—your children still visit you daily, your friends come to visit. Sure, you don’t get that big plate of pasta anymore because you’re diabetic, but you can’t have it anyway! All that has changed is the four walls around you, and you’re safe here.’”
Alexandra: “Honestly, the first six months were very hard. Dad didn’t want to be there, and there was nothing my siblings and I could really do. None of us had bedrooms on our main floors, he would trip…We went every day to visit him. He’s doing better now, thankfully. He still has his freedom and independence, and likes to go out to the movies or for dinner.”
What advice do you have for other adult children trying to help an aging loved one in need of more support?
Andrew: “Having the support of my siblings was important to me, and ensuring we were all on the same page before we approached my mom. I think we could have benefited from talking to others about our experiences with my mom, to hear their thoughts and what they did to help their parents.”
Farah: “My brothers and I should have relied on our network of friends and co-workers more. It would have been helpful to have someone we could relate to and who could give us advice.”
Beth: “I never conveyed to anyone the worry I was feeling at the time. I wish in hindsight I had sought out reassurance from staff at the home, or friends.”
If you’re researching retirement living options for an aging loved one, or wondering how to broach the conversation with them, visit ourSupporting A Loved Onepage and download our guide today for more information and advice.