Discovering that you and your siblings have very different perspectives about your parents’ situation may be one of the most surprising—and challenging—aspects of providing support or care for them as they age. In my experience, it is quite rare for all family members to see things in the same way, and this can often lead to strained relationships among siblings. In addition, older adults may feel pulled between the conflicting viewpoints of their adult children and become uncomfortable making decisions about their future until there is agreement. Thus, for the good of the whole family, it is important for us to explore how we can get on the same page with our siblings and work together to support or care for our aging parents.
I suggest to sibling groups that they approach their parents’ situation from the perspective of “interests” instead of “positions”. These terms come from the book,Getting to Yes， Fisher和Ury。“立场”是我们对什么是最好的或正确的观点。例如，一个兄弟姐妹可能认为他们应该和他们的父母谈谈，考虑搬到退休住宅，这样他们就有更多的社交机会，更多的支持，和更好的整体生活质量。另一个兄弟姐妹可能不希望他们的父母离开他们现在的家，因为他们认为这是他们唯一能快乐的地方。当人们坚守自己的立场时，很难找到一个和谐的解决方案，冲突往往会随着时间的推移而升级。
Switching the focus to what Fisher and Ury call “interests” can completely shift a conversation and allow mutually-agreeable solutions to emerge. Interests are the reasons that people hold on to their positions. Siblings can better understand each other’s interests by asking a simple question such as, “Tell me why mom and dad staying in their current home (or moving into a retirement residence) is important to you?”
许多人没有退一步去理解为什么他们对自己持有的立场有如此强烈的感觉。我发现这对我最近工作的一个三兄妹家庭来说是真实的。兄弟俩中的两个觉得他们的父母应该认真考虑搬到退休住宅，因为他们知道他们现在的家不安全。第三个哥哥同样强烈地认为他们应该呆在自己家里。这在姐弟之间引起了巨大的冲突，各种指责满天飞。此外，由于儿子之间的冲突，父母在考虑未来的选择时感到很痛苦。
When I spoke with the siblings individually, I found the son who didn’t want his parents to move did understand they weren’t safe in their current home; however, he thought if his father moved he would miss his garden so much that he wouldn’t have a good quality of life in a retirement residence. For him, this belief about his father’s quality of life outweighed his safety concerns.
Once the brothers understood the interests that were behind their positions, they could get creative about solutions. Finding creative solutions happens at the interest level, not at the position level. At the position level, people dig in their heels to defend why they are right. At the interest level, people can explore solutions that satisfy most or all of everyone’s interests.
兄弟俩绞尽脑汁想了想，如果他们的父母决定搬进退休住宅，他们的父亲可能仍然可以种花。当他们探讨这个问题时，他们意识到他们的父亲甚至没有能力再照料他现在的花园了，因为它太大了。他们和他们感兴趣的一家退休住宅的工作人员谈过，他们都同意给他们的父亲安排一间套房，里面有空间放几个花窗盒子。当他们与父母讨论这种可能性时，他们发现自己放下了对大房子和花园的责任，这让他们感到轻松，而且想到他们还可以拥有一些花箱，他们感到非常兴奋。他们也很高兴儿子之间的冲突结束了。
Because the siblings moved their conversations from their deeply-held positions to the interests behind them, they had better relationships with each other and helped their parents achieve both safety and quality of life.
You have the power to help your family get on the same page in supporting your aging parents. Shift the conversation from positions to interest, and watch the creative solutions emerge!
About Dr. Amy D’Aprix
Dr. Amy is a certified senior advisor, Vice President of the International Federation on Aging, and Co-Founder of the Essential Conversations Project. As a gerontological social worker, she has over thirty years of experience working with older adults and their families.