A few years ago, I stumbled upon the song “Closing Time” by Semisonic, and found it acknowledged the emotional complications of life transitions in one poignant line: “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” That sums up why people often feel quite ambivalent during a transition: we may be grieving the closing of one chapter in our life as we step into a new one. This is frequently true for an older adult if they are considering, or have decided, to move from the home they have been living in to a retirement residence.
Even when someone realizes it is in their best interest to move into a retirement residence, it is likely they are grappling with mixed emotions. They may have a lifetime of memories associated with their home and their belongings, a rhythm to their lives that is familiar and comfortable, and questions about their ability to thrive in a new place. This can create feelings of sadness, as well as a bit of reticence about the future. Frequently, those emotions are living right alongside excitement and anticipation about new possibilities in this next chapter.
That’s the thing about emotions: they aren’t very neat and we rarely experience just one at a time! It can be helpful to think of emotions as being a pie with many different-sized slices. Some of those slices may include excitement, fear, sadness, regret, anxiety, and anticipation. The size of the slices may change as we go through a transition, often in ways that surprise us. Sometimes the main slice will be excitement, and the next moment it may be sadness. Thinking about feelings as pie slices can remind us it’s normal to have a mixture of conflicting feelings.
根据我与客户打交道的经验，这些模糊的、不断变化的情绪可能会在成年子女和父母之间造成一些摩擦。成年子女往往关注搬家的实际方面，没有充分意识到这对父母的情感影响。此外，当父母在经历人生转折中常见的情感过山车时，他们的成年子女可能会帮助他们缩小规模，帮助出售家里的房子，并带他们的父母去寻找最适合他们的退休住宅。他们经常把所有这些都融入到忙碌的生活中，而忙碌的生活中可能没有太多额外的空间来完成搬家顺利进行所需的任务。此外，根据搬家的原因，成年子女也可能担心他或她的父母的安全，并急于帮助他们的父母尽快安顿在退休住宅。
All of this can be a breeding ground for misunderstandings and the feeling of not being heard or understood. Adult children may be focussed on the practical issues, parents on the emotional impact, and this can leave everyone feeling a bit unsettled. If this sounds like your family, you may be wondering what could make this go smoother. Try stepping into the perspective of the other person. If you are the adult child, spend some time focusing on how this move is impacting your parent emotionally. If you are the older adult, try focusing on the practical aspects of the move your child may be managing, as well as considering if they may be concerned for your safety.
It’s amazing what happens when we stop and see the world from the perspective of the other person. Behaviour that seemed irritating or illogical can suddenly make sense and lead to feelings of compassion. In turn, that empathy may open the door for an Essential Conversation about how to make the transition smoother for everyone.
About Dr. Amy D’Aprix
艾米博士是一名认证高级顾问，国际老龄化联合会副主席，Essential Conversations Project的联合创始人。作为一名老年社会工作者，她有30多年与老年人及其家庭打交道的经验。